The Matrix Rewritten
by Megami no Inazumi
Summary: Updated. Yet another one of these... But you should read it anyways, because this one is different: it was written by moi. Rated for language.
1. Scene One

The Matrix: Rewritten

Written as a parody focusing on the most notable and/or annoying flaws/characteristics of our heroes and their nemeses, The Matrix: Rewritten uses a play-by-play style to illustrate what should NOT happen. Teehee. No slash, no random flying monkeys, this story attempts to focus on purely Matrixian things, drawing only from the films, the comics, and your comments (and I say, _attempts_). Please enjoy, and bear with the oft-interfering schoolwork.

The Matrix: Rewritten 

Scene 1

Call trans opt: received. 2-19-98 13:24:18 REC:Log

Trace program: running

[Voiceover]

Cypher: Hey baby…

Trinity: Is everything in place? And don't call me that.

Cypher: Sure thing, babe. You weren't supposed to relieve me.

Trinity: So what if I did? I'm first mate, and I can do what I want. And don't call me that either.

Cypher (suspiciously): You like him don't you? What's so special about him anyways?! How come you never did that for me?!

Trinity (exasperated): Gawd, Cypher! You're so possessive. I mean, geez, I'm not even your girlfriend. What's up with that? Do you have some weird fixation with me or something?

Cypher (hurriedly): A shim* like you? Ew, no.

Trinity: exCUSE me?

Cypher (changes subject): We're gonna kill him. You get me?

Trinity: But Morpheus said--

Cypher: FINE! Whatever. But don't say I didn't warn you!

Trinity: He's the One. He can't die.

Cypher: You're only repeating Morpheus.

Trinity: So?

Cypher (accusingly): You don't really believe that he's the One, DO you?

[Computer 'Jim' beeps a little overzealously as it happily reaches the third to last number.]

Trinity (paranoid): Didyouhearthat?!

Cypher: Hear WHAT?! How am I supposed to hear anything over our conversation?

['Jim' beeps again, just to spite Trinity]

Trinity (really freaked out): OMG I'M BEING STALKED!!!! I bet this phone is bugged!

Cypher: You mean, 'tapped'. And it's not.

Trinity: How would you know?

Cypher: I'm watching youuuuuu

Trinity: I better go. You're freaking me out.

[Cut to scene: Several cops are doing their 'really sneaky' bit with the flashlights. They approach Rm 303 and proceed to beat in the door (whose name is 'Bo')]

'Bo': Ow. What was that for? Ever hear of a doorknob?

[Cops do not notice, but shine their B.A.Fs (big @$$ flashlights) at a manikin-looking, androgynous person in shiny black leather.]

Old Cop 1: Freeze police!

Old Cop 2: Put your hands on your head! Do it! Do it now!

[Androgynous person is a woman, who complies]

[Cut to scene: Outside 'Heart o' the City Hotel' there are six police cars and one semi-nice compact car with three cops leaning on it. There are several police officers loitering and attempting to look productive. The dispatcher's voice comes loud and clear over an unseen radio. A black car drives up. Three vaguely identical, plain looking men in black suits step out in perfect synchronisation. Oddly, they are wearing sunglasses at 11:30 pm. They shut their doors (but not all at once)]

Agent Smith: Lieutenant.

Lieutenant [looks down]: Oh, shit.

Smith: Lieutenant, you were given specific orders. They were perfectly clear. You are supposed to be standing three inches to the left. Not to mention that you were not to send anyone up.

[Jones rolls eyes]

Lieutenant: Hey, I'm just doing my job. It's not like I have any other scenes in this thing. You give me that juris-my-diction crap; you can cram it up your ass.

Smith (slightly but unnoticeably peeved): The orders were for your protection.

Lieutenant: [laughs] I think we can handle one little girl. I mean, geez, we are the city's finest.

[Smith glances back at his partners and they step around the cop and to the hotel. Lieutenant turns around.]

Lieutenant: I sent two units. They're bringin' her down now.

Smith: [turns head and glances back] No Lieutenant, your men are already dead. [looks slightly pleased with himself]

[Cut to scene: Shiny leather woman is about to be cuffed. Cue fancy fight scene.]

Woman: [surveys destruction] Shit.

[Cut to scene: police and agents enter building]

[Cut to scene: woman is on the cell]

Woman: Morpheus. The line was traced. Tell Cypher that's another point for me.

Morpheus: Will do. They cut the hardline. There's no time. You'll have to find some other way out.

Woman: Any agents?

Morpheus: Dammit Cypher! Leave Trinity's ankles alone!! (Yes there are)

Woman: God. damn. it. Hit him for me. And how the hell am I supposed to fight the agents? I totally don't have my trenchcoat.

Morpheus: I already have. You have to focus Trinity. Focus only on getting out and not on whatever weirdness Cypher may or may not be up to. Remember, we need you so that we can get the One out.

Trinity: I feel loved.

Morpheus: There's a phone at Wells and Lake. You can make it.

Trinity: Alright.

Morpheus: Go!

[Cut to scene: Agent Jones step out of elevator]

[Trinity sees Jones, freaks out, and runs away. Jones and cops follow. Trinity runs onto fire escape and sees Smith. Jones/cops follow. Smith turns around looking really sinister. Trinity runs up the ladder and onto the roof, followed closely by Jones/cops. {how many times can i say 'follow'} They all jump over the alley, except for the fat cop who plummets to his death screaming to the god of donuts. They all run over corrugated metal roofs. Jones shoots at Trinity, who leaps over the main street, followed by Jones.]

Cop 2: That's impossible.

[Jones lands in dramatic pose. Trinity hides behind smokestack. Jones stands up even more dramatically.]

Jones: I love my job.

[After freaking out, Trinity runs like hell for a tee-niny window that her butt will never squeeze through; somehow, it will. She takes a flying leap and rolls down some stairs. She pulls her guns on the swinging lamp, 'Misty']

'Misty': Ororo... concussion... ow...

Trinity: Get up, Trinity. Just get up. You have no idea what Cypher is doing to your shoes. GET UP.

[Trinity rounds street corner and faces phone booth (which are rather hard to find these days). A garbage truck swerves and faces the phone too. It rings. The truck begins revving the engine.]

Smith: WOOOOOOOO!

Trinty: WOOOOOOOOOOOOO! [makes engine noises]

Smith: WOOOOOOHOOOOOO!!! [revs engine]

Trinity: WOOOOOOOOOOO-

Smith & Trinity: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO [Trinity makes a break for the phone booth]

[Trinity gets there first and yells triumphantly as she answers it. The truck smashes her. Truck backs up several feet, shedding bricks. Smith steps out and walks around front, surveys damage, and looks slightly depressed. Agent Brown walks up]

Brown: She got out.

Smith [as Jones walks up]: Doesn't matter.

Brown: The informant is real.

Smith: What is real? How do you define real?

Jones: Those aren't your lines.

Smith: They're much deeper and more meaningful than 'yes'.

Jones: They are not your lines.

Smith: [sighs] Yes.

Jones: We have the name of their next target.

Brown: The name is 'Neo'.

Smith: I know, idiots, I read the memo this morning. We'll need a search running.

Jones: Well if you had read it, you would know that it has already begun.

Smith: HA! Those weren't your lines!

Jones: Actually, they were. 'It has already begun,' is scripted.

Smith: Damn.

[Nifty special effects with telephone.]

End Scene One.

A/N: so ends scene one. Main question: is this really funny? Or is it just me? I know there's a lot of these, so tell me if it's a waste of time. (wait, I already know that it's a waste of time, but I mean, should I keep it or trash it?) anywho… questions, comments, flames, I don't care. I just want ta know that somebody's at least read it. (incentive: three comments earns you a cameo appearance).

Ja!

~MnI~

PS: that's actually two chapters on the dvd jfyi

* a shim is a she/him, a girl who looks like a guy. Coined by a bud of mine. 


	2. Scene Two

A/N: You knew it had to happen. I'm posting a second chapter. Yay. Although, not many peeps seem to be taking me up on my cameo appearance offer… Three comments = a cameo appearance. Anyways… This seemed a lot funnier last night, but I guess that was the sleep deprivation kicking in. I have decided why you should be reading this--wait you are reading this… nevermind. Oh, and do look for product promotions throughout the story. There's two in this chapter. Responses:  
Orange of Doom: well, we sort of figured that we would be fair for once. So we have to review three times, too, even though we are us and us are we. And we're going we're going. Sheesh, we don't have to shove…  
Aqua Phoenix1: i'm so glad you like it! it kinda started off slow cuz I wasn't really sure what I wanted to do… hope you like this chappie!  
TheManWithTheGoldenGun: it's that funny? yay! *proud* glad you like! *dances*  
alocin: oh, everybody likes everybody else's lines or hates their own, so… there will be line stuff. (i've got a great running gag planned out with smith and lines)  
Anonymous: yay! i'm so glad you like this one! i try, so… here's another (hopefully funny) chapter!

And so, more hilarity ensued, all thanks to the Wachowski brothers, who made the Matrix up. (and for nit picky lawyer sharks, i make no claim on this)

Scene Two

Searching...

[Veggie Tales music plays ridiculously loud through a pair of supposedly soundproof panasonic headphones. somehow, the man wearing them is asleep, even as his computer 'Rin' faithfully searches for Morpheus in hundreds of newspapers worldwide. Cut to overhead shot: man is asleep at his computer, surrounded by wires, disks, external drives, computer parts, and a wavy keyboard. the room is lit by the monitor and a solitary overhead light. Cut to screen: screen has gone black, green type appears.]

Text: Wake up, Neo...

[Neo (man) wakes up, slightly confused. he realizes where he is, and then realizes that his monitor is acting funny. he reads the text. he sits up, even more confused. he pulls out a Power bar and begins chewing on it.]

Text [slowly, as if hunt-and-peck typing]: The

Neo [through mouthful of power bar]: What? [pulls off headphones]

Text [somewhat faster]: The Matrix has you...

Neo: Mmph.. Vot a vell? [a/n: for those of you who eat properly: what the hell?]

[Neo looks around his room, and then attempts to "delete object" by hitting ctrl+x]

Text: Follow the white rabbit.

Neo [swallows mouthful of more power bar; is confused]: "Follow the white rabbit." Follow the white rabbit? Rabbit? What? But I'm allergic to rabbits... Who is this? Go away! [hits Esc repeatedly and frantically] Go away you! Demon thing! Stop messing with my mind!

Text [flashes]: Knock, knock, Neo...

[There is a harsh, short rapping on the door. Neo jumps.]

Neo [slightly freaked out]: W-who is it?

Voice: It's Choi.

[Screen is now blank.]

Neo [takes a deep breath and grabs his bottle of Powerade as he goes to the door]: (to self) Yeah... yeah.

[Cut to scene: door, rm 101. door is opened by Neo]

Neo: You're two hours late. Again.

Choi [nodding]: I know. It's her fault. Again.

(Dujour: [slutty pose #1])

Neo: You got the money?

Choi [sighs]: Two grand. [pulls money out of pocket reluctantly] (to self/money) It's for a good cause. You'll be okay. [Dujour watches money hungrily]

Dujour: Oh, can i have a dollar? Just one?

Choi: No, I already gave you a nickel.

[Dujour pouts. Neo takes money.]

Neo: Hold on. [closes door]

[Cut to scene: inside Neo's apartment. talk about you interior design impaired. seriously, neo's room totally screams 'I need a make-over'. there is no decorating anywhere. not a splotch of colour. it's all wires and dirty clothes, and lamps, and clutter. neo, honey, may i suggest applying for 'queer eye'? you're room definitely needs it.]

[Anyways, neo pulls out a book titled "Is Man a Myth?". he flips through several pages.]

Neo: No... that's not it. [pulls out another book, this time entitled "Practical Flight". Again, he flips through several pages before setting it down.] No... that's not it either. [pulls out a third book titled "Simularca & Simulation". he flips through several pages and comes to a gaping hole in the pages] AHA! Here you are! [he sets the money down on the left side and picks through several minidisks on the opposite. he snaps the book shut and turns back to the door.]

[cut to door. opens. neo hands the disk to Choi]

Choi [laughing]: Hallelujah, praise the Lord! You're my saviour man. my own personal Jesus Christ. Now if only you could save me from the authorites... [hands disk to minion]

Neo [nervously]: You get caught using that--

Choi: Yeah, I know. We've only done this like a thousand times before. Aw, geez. I said the Jesus bit, isn't that enough foreshadowing for all the idiots out there? Does this not scream: "Dundundunnnn!" Why do I even have to say these lines? They're dead give aways...

Larry: SAY THEM!

Choi: You don't exist. You live in a fake world full of fake pe--

Andy: Say them RIGHT.

Choi: Fine, dammit. You don't exist. None of this ever happened.

Neo [angsty-depressed look]: Right. [looks at feet and looks up again]

Choi: Somethin' wrong, man? You like kinda pallid.

Larry: PALE!

Choi: Right. Pale. You look pale. [Andy glares] -er. PalER than usual. [coughs]

Neo: Rin.. she uh--

Choi [confused]: Rin? Is this a girlfriend?

Neo: My computer.

Choi [shocked]: Dude what the hell!! Who names their computer?!!

Neo: My computer.. it-- You ever have that feeling, when you're not sure if you're awake or still dreaming?

Choi [like he's talking about divine providence or something]: Mmm.. all the time. It's called mescaline. [deep breath] It's the only way to fly.

[Neo realizes that he's talking to a complete idiot.]

Choi: Hey, man, it just sounds to me like you know--Do I have to say this too? It's giving away the ending.

Andy: It only gives it away if you keep saying it does. Now say the damn lines before we kick you off the set.

Choi: Fine, dammit. Itsoundstomelikeyouknowyouneedtounplugman.

Larry: Speak coherently.

Choi: FINE. It. sounds. to. me. like. you. know. you. need. to. un. plug. man. You know, get some R&R? Hey what do you think Dujour? Should we take him with us?

Dujour [slutty pose #2]: [looks neo up and down] Definitely.

Neo [slightly frightened by the really weird look Dujour is giving him]: I can't. Uh, I have, uh... work! Yeah, work. I have work in the morning. Therefore I can't go with you.

Dujour [super slutty pose]: Come on. It'll be fun. I promise.

Neo [about to blatantly refuse and slam the door but sees the rabbit tatoo]: Yeah. Sure, I'll go. [Neo grabs can of mace before leaving.]

[Cut to scene: club. people are dancing, smoking, drinking, and being overall "inappropriate". although, they do have some nice lighting..]

[Choi and Dujour are talking to people, totally ignoring Neo who is standing in a relatively quiet spot against the wall, away from all of the "scary people" wearing weird combinations of leather, metal, and plastic]

[Neo is staring into space when a PVC-clad woman in a strapless dress walks up to him. She's that woman from the first scene. You remember, the one who drag-raced with Agent Smith? Yeah, if you remember, her name was Trinity.]

Trinity: Hello, Neo.

Neo: How do you know that name?

Trinity: I know a lot about you.

Neo: What the hell? Who ARE you?

Trinity: My name is Trinity.

Neo [as if trying to remember something he knows that he knows but can't seem to recall]: Trinity. [upon realisation] Trinity? The Trinity? That cracked the IRSD base.?

Trinty [downplaying]: That was a long time ago.

Neo: Jesus.

Trinity: What now?

Neo: Oh, I just figured that you were a guy.

Trinity: OMG I'm gonna slaughter the next person who says that!!

Neo [looks frightened]: uh...

Trinity: I mean... Most guys do.

Neo [slowly figures something out]: That was you on my computer! How did you do that? What did you steal? Stalker! Thief!

Trinity: Right now, all I can tell you, is that you're in danger.

Neo: What? What kind of danger? From who?

Trinity: I brought you here to warn you.

Neo: What! Tell me!

Trinity: They're watching you, Neo.

Neo [paranoid]: Who is? Where? What's going on?

Trinity: Please just listen.

Neo [really paranoid]: WHOS WATCHING ME? I HAVE MACE [holds up dinky spray bottle]

Trinity [ignoring him, walks up uncomfortably close]: I know why you're here, Neo. I know what you've been doing. I know why you hardly sleep. Why you live alone, and why night after night, you sit at your computer. You're looking for him. I know because I was once looking for the same thing. And when he found me, he told me I wasn't really looking for him. I was looking for an answer. It's the question that--

Neo: Yeah, I get. What is the Matrix?

Trinity: Can I please get in my good bit of dramatic, cryptic dialogue?

Neo [sheepishly]: Yeah. Sorry.

Trinty: It's the question that drives us, Neo. It's the question that brought you here. You know the question, just as I did. It's like a splinter in your mind.

Larry: Was that your line?

Trinity: ...

Larry: I didn't think so.

Neo: Right. Okay. What is the Matrix?

Trinity: The answer is out there, Neo.

Neo: And it's looking for me, I know.

Trinity [coldly]: It's looking for you.

Neo: Yeah, I just said that.

Trinity [steps back]: You are really annoying. But you're still kinda cute.

Neo: Cute? Me? ACK!NO!

Trinity: Anyways, the answer is looking for you. And it will find you. If you want it to. [leaves]

Neo: What the hell just happened?

Rave turns into alarm clock, thanks to more nifty special effects.

End Scene Two.


	3. Scene Three

A.N: Well… after a long pause, this story is being updated… again. There are two cameos in this chapter, but only one is noted. The LCH (lighting crew head) is the Orange of Doom, because she hit me. and the browniechild is the Déjà Vu Cat, because she reviewed four times. Oh and halfway through this, I switched from asterisks setting off character actions to brackets, like a real script. Hope it just bothers the hell out of you. I also decided not to give replies because, let's face it, that was how many months ago? I hope that pisses you off, too.

D.C: now matter how many times I've told Tinkerbell that I want the Matrix, she still won't get it for me. And d'ya know what else? Even Santa wouldn't give it to me for Christmas. I'm feeling a little down, so you all just read the story without me, okay?

The Matrix Rewritten

Chapters 5 and 6 on the DVD, or Scene Three

Willy the Alarm Clock: Beep! Beep! Get the hell up, you stupid prat! It's 9:18! You've overslept! Again! GET UP DAMMIT!!!

Neo: *wakes up and looks at clock* Aw, shit. *smacks Willy*

Willy: ow, dammit!

Neo: Shit, shit!

[Cut to office building 'CoppertopSoft'. Window wipers 'Mack' and 'Zee' are being cruelly forced to squeegee the window outside the office of Mr. Rhinestone, corporate poophead extraordinaire who is lecturing Neo, who is in a suit.]

Mack: SQUUUUEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAK

Zee: SQUUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAK!!

Mr. Rhinestone, after typing evilly: *sighs, taps fingers* You have a problem with authority, Mr. Anderson.

Neo: *looks at feet and pretends to be sorry*

Mr. Rhinestone: You believe that you are special, that--Oh for Christ's sake! This is just too much bloody foreshadowing.

Larry: Say it or you choose to find another movie!

Mr. Rhinestone: Youbelievethatyouarespecial, that somehow the rules do not apply to you. Obviously, that's what this whole movie is about, and right now, you are wrong. But later--

Andy: Enough! You're fired!

Two fleas: You're fired! Fired! You're fired!

Neo: o.O

New Mr. Rhinestone, who looks like Choi in a suit: Now this is one pretty sweet office. Albeit a boring, blank office, but a nice office none-the-less. I mean, check out these windows! And whoa, they're being cleaned! I don't have to clean the window!

Zee: SQUEAK!! SQUEAK!!

Mack: Squeak, squeak, squeak! Squeak, squeak! Squeak! Squeakin!

Larry: The *cough* script *cough*

Mr. Rhinestone-Choi: This is a major software company. It is very respected. Blah, blah, blah, some more corporate bs, and here we go! More foreshadowing! The time has come for you to make a choice, Mr. Anderson. Either you choose to be at your desk, one time, from this day forth, or you can choose to find yourself another job!

Andy: Okay cut! Just read the flippin' script. There's no need to comment on it.

Mr. Rhinestone-Choi: This company is one of the top software companies in the world. Well, damn, Neo! This is pretty tight! Can you get me some copies of some of these programs?

Larry: That's it! You're fired!

Mr. Rhinestone-Choi: Again?

Andy: Were you fired before?

Mr. Rhinestone-Choi: I must have been, cuz I've had no other scenes up until this point.

Larry: You twit! This is only the next scene!

Andy: You're so dumb. Get off my set!

Larry: It's my set, too!

Andy: I made up the whole Matrix concept!

Larry: No you didn't!

Andy: I did too! I was in the bathtub playing with an old sour cream container and Wolverine!

Larry: Na-uh! I made it up when I was playing outside with a tulip and a ladybug and a fake cockroach!

Joel Silver: Uh, guys? Whose going to be Mr. Rhinestone now?

Andy: I dunno. Ask the creepy bald dude.

Silver: Which one?

Larry: The one with the funky goatee.

Silver: You! Funky goatee man! You're the new ceo.

Cypher: A-right! *jumps into office chair* Kay, now- *leans back and puts feet on desk*

Larry: Cut! No! Feet DOWN!

Cypher: No.

Andy: FIRED!

Two fleas: YOU'RE FIRED!!!! FIRED!!! HAhahahaha!

Neo: o.O My feet hurt... *whines*

Larry: Fine. SMITH!

Andy: No. That'd be too weird.

Larry: You're right. It would be. NEVERMIND!

Andy: Let's just use the scene with that weird fellow.

Larry: Yeah...

Mr. Rhinestone-Choi, who has reappeared to say one more line: Do I make myself clear?

Neo: *saucily* Crystal. *winks and leaves*

[Cut to scene.. Neo is at his cubicle, with the computer off. He is staring at a blank screen. A FedEx guy walks up with a package.]

FedEx guy: Thomas Anderson?

Neo: [looks up] Yeah, that's me, unfortunately.

FedEx guy: Kay... [hands Neo a clipboard]

[Neo signs clipboard with his left hand]

Larry: CUT!

Neo: what?

Larry: You just signed Keanu Reeves!

Neo: So?

Larry: You have to sign, "Thomas Anderson"

Neo: But WHY?

Lighting Crew Head (Orange of Doom): DRAMATIC CONVENTION!!!

Larry: No, because if you don't your hand movements will be noticeably different.

Andy: Really?

Larry: I don't know.

Andy: Oh.

Fed Ex guy: Uhm, people... I still have several deliveries to get to...

Andy: Whatever, just re-sign it, Reeves.

Neo: [signs paper 'Thomas Anderson']

FedEx guy: Thanks. Here's your package, and have a nice day! [FedEx guy leaves, Neo glares after him]

[After making sure that the FedEx guy is gone, he opens the package and dumps phone, 'Jimbo' into his hand.]

'Jimbo': [rings]

Neo [startled]: [nervously puts phone to ear] Heh-hello?

Larry: ANSWER IT FIRST!!

Neo: [answers phone] Heh-hello?

Person on line: Hello, Neo. Do you know who this is?

Neo [awed]: Morpheus!

Morpheus: Yezzzzzz. I've been looking for you, Neo. I don't know if you're ready to see what--Oh for Christ's sake! This is just too damn cryptic. Anyways, there's a bunch of guys at the elevator and they're going to arrest you if you don't do exactly what I say, when I say it.

Neo: Okay.

Morpheus: They're coming for you, Neo, and I don't know what they're going to do.

Neo: Who's coming for me?

Morpheus: Well you could grow up and be a big boy and look at the elevators yourself, hn?

Neo: I don't wanna grow up. [as if realising] I don't wanna grow up, I just wanna be a Toys 'R' Us kid!

LCH: Improper grammar ingrained in the youth....

Morpheus: Stand up, dammit!

Neo: You just said a bad word.

Larry: STAND UP!

Neo: Yes sir. [Neo stands up, sees three eerily identical men turn their heads toward him, and ducks.] Oh shit!

Morpheus: Yezzzzzzz. Now look who said a bad word.

Neo: Shut up, you said it first.

[Cut to scene:--

Morpheus: You still said it, and besides

[Cut to scene:---

Neo: So? You said one first

[Cut to scene: Agents and cops are walking menacingly to Neo's cubicle.]

[Cut to scene: Aerial view of Neo's pristine cubicle. The computer is still off. Neo is pacing around like a madman]

Neo: What the hell do they want from me?

Morpheus: How the hell should I know? Do I sound like God to you?

Neo: Well, you sent me a phone that rang the minute I took it out of the package, and then you told me these guys were coming after me--

Morpheus: Well I'm not God and if you don't want to find out what they want from you, I suggest you do whatever I say!

Neo: I gotta get out! I'm trapped! Trapped like a rat! [bangs on cubicle like a woodpecker] Trapped! Trapped, trapped! Trapped like a rat! [bangs on cubicle like a woodpecker]

Morpheus: Quit drawing attention to yourself, dummy. I can guide you, but you must do exactly as I say.

Neo: Okay!

Morpheus: The cubicle across from you is empty.

[Cut to scene: Agent Smith (remember him?) makes a dramatic notion as he motions for the police to go the other way, while he and the other two agents (Brown and Jones, if you so recall) go in the other.

[Cut to scene: Neo is crouching near the entrance to his cubicle.]

Neo [freaked out]: What if-what if they--

Morpheus: Go. NOW.

[Cut to scene: the row between Neo's cubicle and the other cubicle. Neo leaps to other cubicle just before Smith rounds the corner, looking menacing, followed by Brown looking bored, and Jones looking dramatic.]

[Cut to scene: under a desk. Neo is being paranoid and switches the phone to his left hand.]

[Cut to scene: Neo's cubicle looking out. Smith is unsurprised, Jones is dramatic, Brown is invisible. Police officers are being inattentive. Déjà vu cat walks across bottom of screen.]

[Cut to scene: back under the desk.]

Morpheus: Stay here for just a moment.

[Neo nods as if Morpheus can see him, and although we all know that Morpheus really can see him, Neo doesn't, so it was a fairly stupid thing to do. Then, he peeks out from under the desk to see Smith and Jones exchange glances.]

Morpheus: When I tell--

Larry: CUT! Davis, where is my creepy music?

Don Davis: Sorry, Lar, Cypher got in the way.

Larry: Whatever.

[Cue creepy music]

Andy: Much better.

Larry: Roll tape!

Morpheus: When I tell you, go to the end of the row, to the office at the end of the hall. Stay as low as you can.

[Neo, our intelligent main character, nods again.]

Morpheus: Go. Now.

[Cut to scene: Row-hallway between cubicles. Neo peeks out, looks at the legs of the police officer, and runs crouchy-like to the end of the row. The guy at the copy machine spills his coffee when Neo passes him because Neo is in super-stealth mode, which makes him special...er than he already is. Neo runs into the room at the end of the 'hallway']

Morpheus: Good. Now, outside, there is a scaffold.

Neo: Are you sure you aren't God?

Morpheus: I'm not God, pansy boy.

Neo: How do you know all this?

Morpheus: We don't have time, Neo, and besides, if I told you, I'd spoil all my nifty lines later in the movie.

Neo: Fine.

Morpheus: To your left there is a window. Go to it.

[Neo walks to window]

Morpheus: Open it.

[Neo opens window.]

Morpheus: You can use the scaffold to get to the roof. 

Neo [hissing at phone]: What are you stupid? It's a long way down and I'm scared of heights!

Morpheus [to someone on other end]: Oh God, he's acrophobic.

Person on other end: So I guess we can rule out the flying thing.

Woman on other end: You owe me two bucks, Apoc.

Other person on other end, possibly Apoc: He might still fly.

Woman: Not happenin' bucko. Pay up.

Déjà vu cat: Mew.

Morpheus: Look, Neo, get your little pansy ass up to the roof!

Neo: No way. No way. This is crazy. No way.

Morpheus: [sighs] There are two ways out of this building, Neo. One is that scaffold, the other is in their custody. Either way, the choice I leave to you. [hangs up]

Neo: Well bugger that. I am not going out that window.

'Jimbo': [rings]

Neo: What?!

Morpheus: At least try for heaven's sake!

Neo: Alright, whatever. [sigh]

Morpheus: [hangs up].

Neo: This is just peachy. This is insane! This is crazy. [Climbs out window] Why is this happening to me? I didn't do anything. I didn't do anything. [Neo looks over edge, shrinks back, then decides to inch along the window ledge, muttering. He climbs around the corner and gets stuck at a big plastic thing. He freaks out and drops the phone because it's windy.]

'Jimbo': Aieeeeeeeee!

Neo: Shit!

[Music gets scarier]

Neo: I can't do this. [anxiously climbs back into building]

[Cut to scene: street outside building, police officers are holding back the crowd. One is opening the door. Then, we see the Agents leading Neo to the car.]

[Cut to scene: rearview side mirror on a motorcycle. Neo is put into the car.]

[Cut to scene: other side of mirror. Agents get into car. Zoom out. Trinity is on bike. Smith looks at her.]

Trinity: Shit. Now I owe Tank three bucks.

[Cut to scene: a room full of tvs, all of which star Neo sitting at a table, looking dejected. Neo looks up as camera zooms in and appears to pass through television, which is symbolic, and the door opens. The three Agents walk in from a hallway that is not white, leaving people who know about the magic back doors to believe there actually is an 'agency' or whatever. Neyeah, so there!  Anyways, Brown leads, looking intimidating, followed by Jones, looking dramatic, followed by Smith, looking like... Smith. Everybody is walking verrrryyyy sssllooowwwllyyy so that they are more menacing and intimidating, a word meaning, quite literally, to make timid. Door slams, a green folder is dropped onto the desk. Zoom out. Smith sits down opposite Neo, looking .... like Smith. He acts very detached as he opens the folder painfully slowly and looks over it. Neo not-so-subtly tries to catch a glimpse of it.]

Smith, in his first real bit of dialogue that actually means something to the audience, as apposed to random babble that makes sense only to the obsessive people who watch this movie enough times to act it out all by themselves and do a better job than the chosen actors: As you can see, we've had our eye on you for some time now, Mr. Anderson. [pause] It seems that you've been living [pause] two lives. [longer pause] In one life, you're Thomas A. Anderson, program writer for a respectable software company. You have a social security number, you pay your taxes, and you [dramatic pause] help your landlady carry out her garbage. [pause for effect] The other life [while turning over a large stack of papers to reveal picture of computers and other such junk] is lived in computers where you go by the hacker alias, "Neo," and are guilty of virtually every computer crime we have a law for.

LCH: GRAMMAR!!! That is a preposition at the end of a sentence!

Smith: And before I give away the ending, I'd like to note that virtually is a very important word in that sentence. Where I could have used nearly or almost, I said virtually instead, showing that my lines are cooler than a lot of other people's. I want you to know and understand that before you go off and hear other people's lines, especially that stupid Morpheus. My lines are much cooler than his. I have more proof that is also foreshadowing, which I shall now recite to you. "One of these lives has a future; the other one does not." [shuts folder with an air of finality] I'm going to be as forthcoming as I can be, Mr. Anderson, which isn't very much. You're here because we need your help. [omg, he breaks an unwritten law and TAKES OFF HIS SUNGLASSES] We know that you've been contacted by a certain [spits out] individual, a man who calls himself Morpheus, a man whose lines I greatly envy, and whom I must destroy, because MY lines are FERIOR!!! And whatever you THINK you know about this man is IRRELEVANT! I love that word. He is considered by many authorities to be the most dangerous man alive, and besides that, he thinks he has better lines, and I must confront him, and prove that MY lines are FERIOR!! My colleagues believe that I'm wasting my time with you, but I believe you wish to do the right thing. Now, we're willing to wipe the slate clean [pushes folder aside], give you a fresh start, and all that we're asking in return is your cooperation in bringing a known terrorist to justice.

Neo: Geez, you are longwinded.

Smith: [glares]

Neo: Yeah. Uhm. Wow, that sounds like a really good deal.

Smith: [nods in his FERIOR manner]

Neo: But I've got a better one. How about, I give you the finger [flips Smith the bird]

Smith: Mmm. [expression unreadable, but he's still acting FERIOR]

Neo: and you give me my phone call.

Smith [reaching for sunglasses]: Mr. Anderson. [puts on sunglasses] you disappoint me. And I don't like to be disappointed.

Jones: Not your lines.

Smith: Shut UP Jones. That was good and dramatic, can't you understand drama?

Jones: It doesn't matter, Smith. Besides, -I- am the dramatic one.

Smith: [growl]

Neo: You can't scare me with this gestapo crap.

Smith: Or can we....

Jones: Smith....

Neo: I know my rights. I want my phone call.

Smith [acting FERIOR again]: Tell me, Mr. Anderson. What good is a phone call, if you are.... unable to speak?

[Cue visual effects, in which Neo's mouth melts together.]

[Cue really creepy music]

Neo [thinking]: Noooooo! Now I'll never get anymore Powerade!!!

Smith: [looks sadistic]

[Creepy music... escalates in creepiness]

[Neo jumps back against wall. Brown picks up fallen chair, Betty.]

Betty: Many thanks, kind knight.

Brown: o.O

Neo [thinking]: It's not working! That's not fair! It worked for Spiderman!

Smith: [sits back in chair looking pleased with himself]

[Jones and Brown attack Neo and rip open his shirt. They push him onto a table and hold him down while Smith pulls something weird out of his pocket.]

Smith: You're going to help ups, Mr. Anderson... whether you want to... or not.

[Smith takes out a funky machine thing, pushes a button, and then it turns into a bug. Smith puts it on Neo, and it crawls into his belly button.]

[End Scene Three]

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